YOU CAN'T SHAKE THE DESIRE FOR INTIMACY

A wise man from the ancient past once said there is nothing new under the sun.  In terms of the broad categories by which we attempt to order our lives, I agree.  But in another sense, the multiple layers of complexity inherent in a culture dominated by speed, technological innovation, and marketing (read propagandizing) predispose many in our culture to capitulate to a default position of breathless confusion.  In terms of our relationships with one another, it often appears to me that we skittishly approach new people-connections more as business and/or networking opportunities rather than seeking deeper levels of true friendship or appropriate intimacy.  I don't think it is too much of a stretch to say that the result of this approach to relationships is a widespread erosion of trust and the feeling that most relationships are exploitive in nature.

In my role as a therapist I am always curious as to what is evoked in clients when I bring up the word intimacy.  Here are some responses I have heard:

• "Oh, you mean sex?"
• "I don't think I've ever experienced true intimacy."
• "I'm too much of a realist to ever hope for intimacy with anyone."
• "Every time I try to go deeper with people things seem to fall apart."
• "I'm too busy."

The list could go on and on.  Yet, in spite of our cynicism and hopelessness, there is a yearning that simply will not go away: the yearning for deep, safe, intimate connectedness.  Gerald May says it well:

"It is possible to run away from the desire for years, even decades, at a time, but we cannot eradicate it entirely.  It keeps touching us in little glimpses and hints in our dreams, our hopes, our unguarded moments.  We may go to sleep, but our desire for love does not.  It is who we are."

If you want to explore this concept, I suggest that you purchase Gerald May's book The Awakened Heart.  Currently, it can be purchased at Amazon for about $15.

ARE YOU REALLY YOU?

Try to determine how long an impression lasts by means of a stop-watch.

                                                                                      -Ludwig Wittgenstein

Relational intimacy is one of the phrases I think of when I hear clients speak of their desire for in-depth relationships.  It seems to be one of those primary ideals inherently lodged in our conception of what it means to be human.  Yet, so many people are skeptical that they will ever achieve this ideal.  Too many times I have heard clients say, "I'm never going to let people get close to me again."  So, they close themselves off by developing various mechanisms of deflection such as concocted personas, non-expressive facial features, obnoxious behaviors, isolation and many similar practices, in order to keep others at arms length.  In so doing, these individuals unwittingly participate in their own self-dehumanization project by presenting only a partial inauthentic self to others whom they meet. That partial self, of course, will instinctively attempt to "make a good impression," which is in itself a substitute for reality.

Let me give a personal account of my struggle in this area.  For many years I was in an organizational structure in which I grew into increasing leadership roles.  I enjoyed the recognition that leadership often brings, yet, in many settings with other leaders, I struggled with an inner discomfort. When in the presence of my own staff I felt relatively secure and confident.  When around other leaders, however, I would often freeze up.  One of the guises which for me grew into a persona was the attempt to present myself as "laid back."  I doubt if I truly fooled anyone by my strong compulsion to act as if I was comfortable when, in fact, I was fearful.  In a sense, I was experiencing the most subtle form of deception--self-deception.  The result was that I knew a lot of people around the world, but at a deeper level, I had few intimate, deeply meaningful relationships.  In hindsight, I now see that my failure to reveal my true inner self often left me feeling like I was an outsider, as well as distancing me from my own true self.

Are you aware of employing differing personas relative to the circumstances in which you find yourself?  Have you ever told others "With me, what you see is what you get" only to later discover that your going-to-work mask is different than your going-to-church mask that is different than your playing-on-the-softball-team mask?  If so, join the crowd.  Unfortunately, Kierkegaard wisely opined "Beware of the crowd!"